Just tell me why
by Dellinah
Summary: Kendall and James are dating. Everything is great for them; until Kendall decides to break up out of nowhere and never tell James his reasons. Tired of not knowing, James decides to be a little bolder than he has been so far, and gets something more than just an explanation from his boyfriend... (Kendall/James one shot. Smut. Read at your own risk.)


**I don't know which is worse: that I actually wrote smut, that I spent three weeks on this thing, or that this is over 9,000 words.**

 **Probably all of them together.**

 **Oh well, it was fun. I had never written any kind of smut so I don't think this is that great, but Kames. I did it for the Kames.**

 **Still, I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

The sun wasn't even up yet when the annoying sound of the alarm filled the room. Kendall's eyes shot open immediately, while James' remained closed. Kendall was about to get out of bed and go turn the alarm off, but then he noticed James' arms wrapped around his waist, keeping him in place.

"James?" He called, trying to check if he was still asleep. The silence let him know the answer was yes, so Kendall gently held James' right wrist and moved James' arm away from him, freeing himself.

Kendall flipped onto his back and attempted to rise, but just before he could do so James hugged him again and pulled him close, pressing his face to Kendall's back. Kendall rolled his eyes and sighed with a smile.

"You were awake, weren't you?"

"Duh." James replied with a giggle, pulling Kendall even closer and kissing the back of his neck. "Our three month anniversary is tomorrow and you still don't know me very well. I'm really disappointed at you, Kendall." He laughed.

"Disappointed enough to let me go so I can turn off the alarm?" Kendall asked, putting his hand over James' and attempting to move it away again, but James tightened his grip before Kendall could do so. Kendall rolled his eyes again and let James' hand go in defeat.

"I'll never let you go." James replied, satisfied with his victory, as he nuzzled Kendall's neck.

Kendall sighed, although he couldn't help but smile at his boyfriend and rolled over, facing James. Even if the room was dimly lit, Kendall could see it when James opened his eyes and smiled at the sight of Kendall's face in front of his own.

"Do we seriously have to go through something like this every morning?"

James surprised Kendall with a peck on the lips.

"We've been friends our whole lives and only just now I realized I like you the way I do. Can I help it if I want you near me as much as possible to compensate the lost time?" James asked with big brown eyes full of fake innocence. Those eyes then moved to the window as he took notice of the darkness outside. "Besides, the sun's not even up yet. Why do we have to get up now?"

"Uh, because we're traveling with the band in a few hours today and have to get ready to go to the airport, remember? So if a certain James Diamond doesn't want to be late, he should get up soon and let a certain Kendall Knight go." Kendall said as he rolled over and got out of bed before James could hold him down again, which made James whimper.

Kendall stretched before walking up to the night stand and turning off the alarm, proceeding to turn on the lights. James frowned when Kendall did so, covering his face with a pillow and letting out a tired sigh.

"The sooner you get up, the easier it will be." Kendall said as he walked to his closet. He was wearing his boxers and an oversized loose T-shit that reached his thighs and had his back on James, whose frown faded away and became a sly smile when he tossed the pillow aside and caught sight of Kendall.

"Uh, Kendall…" He said, moving to his side and rubbing his eyes to wake himself up. "That shirt you're wearing has a stain on its back."

"What?" Kendall looked to his back but didn't see anything, so he took his shirt off and exposed his chest, his boxers then became the only article of clothing he was wearing. He turned the shirt inside out and analyzed the back, only to find it was clean. "James, there is no…"

When Kendall looked back at James, he saw his sly smile that he and eyed Kendall with fierce interest. Kendall blushed and angrily threw his shirt at James, but then he realized that without it he had nothing to cover himself and blushed even harder.

"James!" He angrily said when he realized what James' intentions were, shrinking in embarrassment when he remembered he was pretty much naked.

"What's the problem?" James asked as he giggled, tossing the shirt aside. "I'm just enjoying the sight. And it's a damn beautiful sight."

"T-That was low, James. That was really low." Kendall said, gulping and looking down at his almost naked body with shame.

James' smile faded as he sat up on the bed. "Oh, come on. I was just teasing you. And besides…" He stood up and walked toward Kendall. James didn't stop until he was mere inches away from his boyfriend. Then he placed his hands on either side of Kendall's head, trapping him against the closet, which made Kendall's breath speed up. James then pressed his forehead against Kendall's before whispering "… You look really good when you're dressed like this."

Kendall's eyes widened and his throat tightened. "James, I…"

Before Kendall could finish his sentence, James leaned forward and pressed their lips together, sticking his tongue in Kendall's mouth. Kendall resisted at first, but slowly gave in and started to kiss him back; placing his hands on James' shoulder as he slid his eyes closed and caressed James' tongue with his own.

Kendall shivered when he felt James' hand running across his bare chest, softly playing with his nipples. Kendall felt the urge to push James away, but he felt his body freeze when James' hand started to move down to his stomach and then down to his...

Logan opened the door, gagging when he saw the couple. "Dear lord, we have to get ready to travel and this is what you guys are doing?" He rolled his eyes before trudging away from the room.

"Hey, have you ever heard of knocking?" James replied, breaking the kiss and looking at where Logan previously was. When he walked away from Kendall to go close the door, the later softly sighed in relief; and the shade of red on his cheeks started to fade. However, it soon returned when James looked at him and winked.

"We can pick up where we left off later." James said with a giggle.

Kendall didn't say anything. All he did was look down; grab a towel that he quickly wrapped around his waist and run to the bathroom, avoiding James' eyes until he was out of the room. James raised an eyebrow in surprise, but shrugged it off and started to pack.

* * *

James couldn't help but notice that there was something off about Kendall for the rest of the day.

Truth is after Kendall left the shower, he remained silent. From their apartment to the airport he didn't say anything, except for a few words like 'sure' and 'no, thanks' whenever someone asked him something. And when James tried to kiss him or even hold his hand, Kendall would find a way not to let that happen – by finding an excuse to walk away from James or turning his face to the other side.

And James knew it had to be because of him.

Their morning had started like all the other ones, except maybe for the shirt joke. James wondered if that was the reason. They had been dating for three months – well, technically, since their anniversary was on the next day – but he still hadn't seen Kendall without a shirt till that morning.

Sure, it wasn't that big of a deal. At least it wasn't a big deal for James. After all, it had been just a joke, and they were boyfriends. They were supposed to see each other's body from time to time, even if Kendall seemed to avoid it.

Maybe it was a big deal for Kendall?

James looked down on the world from the airplane window; admiring the city lights and the tall buildings that seemed so small from above. When he looked up, he could see the moon and the stars without a single cloud covering them, and they were shining brighter than ever. However, he could not concentrate on the beautiful view.

Kendall was sitting by his side, like he always did when they had to travel. He seemed to be extremely tired because of the dark circles under his watery eyes, but he seemed to be fighting against his will to sleep by not letting his body relax on the chair and he looking straight ahead as if the back of the seat in front of him hypnotized him. His expression made it look like he was focused on some disturbing thought, and that expression had been on his face the whole day.

On the seats behind them, Logan and Carlos slept peacefully. James rolled his eyes at the fact that the whole day they had been so oblivious to Kendall's weird behavior, they both being so excited for their trip that they didn't even notice Kendall. Maybe James was overreacting, but it was unclear to him how someone could not notice someone like Kendall.

James turned his head from the window to Kendall, finding his new sight to be much better than some tall buildings down there. He loved Kendall's eyes. And he loved his hair. And everything else about his face; even when Kendall wasn't looking his best - like in that moment - he still managed to amaze James more than anything.

Usually, Kendall would let his head collapse onto James' shoulder and sleep there. James would complain about it at first, saying that he couldn't sleep with Kendall pressing him like that; but then James would also fall asleep on top of Kendall's head.

And the fact that Kendall was resisting sleep was driving James' crazy. Because he always, always fell asleep touching James if they were side by side.

There had to be something wrong.

James didn't know how to ask, or even what exactly he should ask. He didn't know if he should start by apologizing for the shirt thing without knowing for sure if that was the reason why Kendall was mad; though he was almost sure it was. Truth is James Diamond was good at a lot of things, but expressing his feelings in words wasn't one of them.

James wished Kendall would just fall asleep on his shoulder like he always did. He wished Kendall would let James kiss him and hold his hand. James just wanted Kendall to stop being so weird. And James knew the only way to make that happen was talking to him.

After contemplating his thoughts for a while, James took a deep breath and opened his mouth, but before any words could be formed Kendall looked at him, sharply turning his head and gulping. James' eyes widened a little in surprise, but he smiled when he thought that was the end of Kendall's weird behavior.

James leaned forward to kiss Kendall, but his heart almost stopped beating when Kendall stopped him by placing his hand on James' chest and pushing him away. That once single act broke James' hopes and he felt like he had been stabbed in the heart.

Never once had Kendall refused his touch, leave alone pushed him away like that.

"James." Kendall started, looking down but then slowly moving his head up to look back at James as he tried to find his courage. "There's something I need to say."

James' smile faded. Kendall's serious and watery eyes let him know that whatever it was he had to tell, it couldn't be anything good. James' first thought was that someone had hurt Kendall or made him sad, which caused James to have a little access of fury against whoever had done it; but he knew better than to jump to any conclusions and took a deep breath.

"What is it?" James asked, forcing a smile to comfort Kendall.

Kendall took a deep breath and then bit his lip, as if it speaking required a huge effort. "I-I've been thinking about this the whole day, ever since we woke up." He gulped and his eyes moved from side to side like if he was searching for the right words. "And I think… I know what I have to do now."

James waited for him to continue, but Kendall just closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Only then he took his hand off James' chest and clenched his fist. After what felt like hours of silence, James' heart started to beat fast as his paranoid mind started to create several possibilities of what Kendall was about to say. Kendall's silence didn't make it any easier for James to remain calm.

"Kendall? Come on, you're making me worried. What happened?" James sputtered, his breath looking in his throat. In an act of concern, he laid his hand over Kendall's and gave it a gentle squeeze. James' heart sank when Kendall pushed his hand away, proceeding to stick his hand down his pocket, as if to make sure James' wouldn't be able to hold it again.

"What I want to say is…" Kendal bit his lower lip and clenched his eyes closed as he took a deep breath again. In a shaky move, he turned his head and looked back at James, starring deep into his hazel eyes. "I think we should break up." He finished with the volume just above that of a whisper.

James' eyes widened. His heart sank a second time; and he felt like he couldn't speak or move. In a failed attempt to word what he was feeling, he opened his mouth; but felt his throat being locked up by his feelings.

"B-B-But…"

"Please, don't ask me anything." Kendall said, still locking his eyes with James'. "I-I just think it's for the best for both of us right now, James." He looked down again and tried to control his tears; however James wasn't making that effort and had teardrops running down his face already.

"How is that the best?" James sputtered, trying to think rationally. "How can that be good if I need you? Was it anything I did? Because if it was, I swear I didn't mean to! I'm sorry! You can't break up me, Kendall. I… I lo… I like you so much!"

His voice was loud enough to make Logan open his eyes and rub them from the back seat. He stared at the couple in front of him, but he was so sleepy that he couldn't wrap his brain around what they were saying.

"James, I… You wouldn't understand it; I just can't be what you need me to be right now." Kendall said, starting to cry as well. "Please, believe me. It's better this way."

"It's not." James took hold of Kendall's arm and squeezed it a little harder than he meant to, causing Kendall to hiss. "You are everything I need you to be, because all I need is you." At that point, James' tears were already streaming down his face and falling on his lap. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't believe Kendall was saying that.

"You don't understand." It was all Kendall said before shaking his arm to get rid of James' hold.

"I will understand if you just explain it to me." James shook his head in disbelief. "Was it something I did, or…?" He trailed off when a thought that made him gag came to him. "Is there… Someone else?"

"If I could tell you, I would. Believe me, James, if I could have told you at a better time, I would have. But it was either today or tomorrow, and it was going to be our anniversary, so… I just want you to be happy, and… One day, you'll understand why I'm doing this." Kendall bit his lip again before pressing his lips to James' cheek in a quick kiss. James saw he also had tears running down his face when he did so.

James attempted to hold Kendall by the wrist to keep him in place and carry on the conversation, but Kendall was faster and stood up. He walked to the back row and woke Logan up, which was easy because he was only half asleep.

"Logan, switch places with me." He demanded.

"Uh?" Logan asked, still fighting against his eyes that insisted on closing against his will and failed to think rationally. Kendall sighed in anger, grabbing Logan by the collar of his shirt and pulling him up, and then pushing him forward.

"Switch places with me." Kendall said again as he sat down on Logan's previous seat.

Logan was confused, but just nodded and sat down next to James. Logan was so tired that he fell back asleep as soon as his body touched the chair. James looked back at Kendall and saw that he was wearing earphones and had his eyes closed. He wanted to stand up and talk to Kendall, but Kendall's words still echoed in his head and made him unable to move.

As his brain finally managed to absorb the fact that Kendall had broken up with him, James hung his head and started to cry, feeling his heart sank a third time.

* * *

The moon still shone up in the sky when the boys' plane landed. Carlos and Logan still felt quite tired since their sleep hadn't lasted long enough for them to fully restore their energy, but they certainly felt better than both Kendall and James.

Heavens only knew how hard James tried to fall asleep in the plane – partly because he hoped he would wake up and find it all had been just a dream and that Kendall and he were still together, like it should be – but his heart was pounding so hard inside his chest and he was crying so much that it had been impossible for him to fall asleep.

In fact, James' eyes were red and swollen when he exited the plane in groggy steps. Kendall didn't make eye contact with him when they left the plane, not even when James attempted to talk to him. Maybe it was just because Kendall didn't want to talk to him, but deep inside James wondered if it was because Kendall had cried too and didn't want James to notice it.

Soft mist that applied light moisture to the boy's jackets floated ahead when they exited the airport to wait for Kelly to come and pick them so they could go to the hotel. Kendall always walked between Carlos and Logan, never at James' side; as if James was dangerous and could hurt Kendall if he got too close or anything like that.

"Wow, James." Carlos said, looking at James face and only then noticing his red eyes and tired expression. "You don't look so well. What happened?"

"Uh…" James looked over Carlos and his eyes met Kendall's for a split second, for Kendall looked away as soon as they did so. James hoped he was going to say something, but all Kendall did was look down and softly move his body back and forth as if he was as fine as one can be. "My allergy attacked when I was in the plane, you know. I couldn't sleep."

James had some hope that if Kendall didn't correct him, it meant he regretted breaking up and would ask to get back together. But maybe he had already told Carlos and Logan while James wasn't paying attention. However, everyone just nodded and didn't give any signs of knowing he was lying.

James looked at Kendall again, hoping he would look at him. Hoping he would at least talk to him. But Kendall never did. He looked down at his own feet as if they were the most interesting thing he'd ever seen.

After a few minutes, Kelly's car parked in front of where the boys were. Carlos opened the passenger's seat door and entered the car. Logan, who wasn't feeling as tired as James and Kendall, quickly made his way to the car and entered the back seat before his friends, taking the right window seat.

That left Kendall and James to an awkward situation when they realized they had to sit side by side; Kendall being in the middle and James' in the left window seat. Kendall was so tired that he almost let his head fall on James' shoulder when they were all sitting down, but quickly shook his head and looked straight ahead.

"Sorry I took a while." Kelly said with a yawn as she drove her car back into the road. "So, how was the flight?"

"Terrible." James said harshly, looking at Kendall who remained silent and pretended he didn't know what James was talking about.

"It was fine for me." Logan shrugged. James raised an eyebrow and wondered if Logan remembered that Kendall made him switch places with him out of nowhere, but Logan was probably too sleepy when they did so or just didn't think it was something worth questioning.

Carlos' reply was a soft snore as he had long fallen asleep on his seat. Kelly shook her head and didn't question anything when she noticed how tired the boys seemed to be. Truth be told, Logan fell asleep as soon as he had his head pressed against the window.

James saw that Kelly seemed to be too focused on her driving to pay any attention to them. He then leaned closer to Kendall, who tried to jerk away from James but couldn't due to the fact that Logan was right by side and trapped him besides James.

"Just tell me why." James whispered. "Please. I'll never even talk to you again if that's what you want. I won't complain. I won't stay in your way if you're in love with someone else." He said the last sentence as if it was poison. "I promise. I just need to know why."

"It doesn't matter." Kendall muttered under his breath, always looking straight ahead. "And I told you not to ask me anything."

James opened his mouth, but closed it without saying a word and looked out of the window, trying to distract himself. His eyelids went down against his will and he must have dozed off, for when he opened his eyes again they already were in front of their hotel. He then noticed he was alone in the back seat; Logan and Kendall were already outside. Carlos was about to open his door. Kelly looked back at James and smiled.

"Wake up. You'll find the hotel room to be more comfortable than my car."

James nodded and opened the door with a sigh, hoping Kelly wouldn't notice how miserable he was.

* * *

James' mind was driving him insane. The whole way from the car to the hotel hall all he could think of was the moments he had shared with Kendall while they were still together.

James' proposal. Kendall saying yes. Their first date. The way Kendall abhorred it when James' left his dirty clothes on the floor but didn't complain because he knew James would never let go of that habit. Waking up every morning with a sore arm for letting Kendall sleep over it, but never complaining because he loved to hug Kendall.

Even the brief moment that very morning when he had seen Kendall without a shirt for the first time; a thought that made him both happy and extremely frustrated. His mind was invaded by Kendall's soft moans when they kissed and James' head started to hurt. He shook his head to clear his thoughts as Kelly handed him a key and he went with his friends to the elevator.

As James waited for them to get on the floor their rooms were, he threw his head back into the elevator's wall and closed his eyes. He wanted to keep an eye on Kendall, wondering if he felt as devastated as James felt, but James was so sleepy that his mind told him to rest; although he couldn't relax with all the little voices inside his head.

 _If what we had ever meant anything at all to Kendall, how could he be so fine about our breakup?_

At least Kendall seemed to fine. Sure, he had shed a few tears when he broke up with James in the plane; and he did give James a kiss on the cheek before switching places. Something inside James' mind told him that that should mean something, but something else insisted on telling him that Kendall had just done that out of consideration or jitters.

Maybe it never meant anything to Kendall after all.

When the elevator doors opened, Logan and Carlos were the first to leave. Logan looked at the number in his key and went to the right side of the hall. Carlos followed him and they both waved goodbye to James, who waved back before checking his own key.

James found the correspondent room and unlocked it. When he did so, James noticed Kendall was still standing a few feet away from him in the hall. James sighed and raised an eyebrow, looking at Kendall for a moment before moving his attention back to his room's knob.

"Why don't you go to your room?" James asked in the most casual of ways.

Kendall rolled his eyes before blushing and drawing a circle with his foot. "I don't have a key." He then gulped and shrugged. "I think we're supposed to share. Logan and Carlos are sharing one, too."

"Oh, really? Why don't you go there and wake Logan up in the middle of the night, asking him to switch places and avoid a conversation like you did in the plane?" James asked harshly while he turned the key in the knob and pushed the door open, never breaking eye contact with Kendall.

"Because I'm an adult and I am mature enough to share a room with my ex-boyfriend without making a big deal of it." Kendall folded his arms as he look at James challengingly. "But are you?"

"Well, but you aren't mature enough to tell said ex-boyfriend the reason why you broke up with him, apparently." James told him, entering the room and leaving Kendall alone in the hall. Kendall rolled his eyes and ignored James' comment as he followed him inside the room. However, Kendall stopped in his tracks and considered switching places with Logan when he realized they were going to share a bed too.

James, however, didn't seem to be affected by that. All he did was topple over the bed and hug a pillow, not even bothering to change his clothes into his pajamas. He looked at his phone and saw it was almost 2:30am.

"Good night." James muttered. However, he didn't feel the bed dip on his side like he expected and opened his eyes again to find Kendall standing still near the door. "Are you coming or what?"

"Uh, I'll… I… I'll take a shower." Kendall answered; and before James knew it Kendall was in the bathroom and the sound of running water came to his ears.

James shrugged and then tried to fall asleep, but it didn't feel the same without Kendall to hug. Kendall had made it pretty clear they had indeed broken up with no chances of getting back together, and now that he was alone James finally allowed himself to cry over it, letting down all of the tears he had been holding back since they left the plane.

As James did so, he wished for his heart to stop aching.

* * *

James opened his eyes and was greeted by darkness. He looked for his phone and once he found it he saw it was almost 3:30am. As soon as he was awoken enough to take notice of the things going on around him, the first thing he did was roll over to check if Kendall was sleeping by his side – only to find the space next to him to be empty. He frowned, but then sighed when he remembered they weren't together anymore.

Then James heard the sound of running water. It got him confused for a moment, but it soon came to him that Kendall said he was going to take a shower before bed. However, that had been an almost an hour before. Kendall should be done with it.

James tried to close his eyes and go back to sleep, but he couldn't. He was afraid something could have happened to Kendall; like slipping and not being able to move or even worse. Feeling like he would regret his decision, James stood up from the bed and went to the bathroom's door.

"Kendall?" James called as he knocked. He felt jitters lock his throat when there was no reply, only the never stopping sound of running water. "Kendall, are you ok?"

Again, only silence. James took a deep breath as he put his hand on the knob, taking a moment to turn it. He sighed in relief when the door revealed to be open, and sighed again when he saw Kendall was alright, but then his emotions changed. Kendall had his back pressed against the wall as he let the warm water run down his body with his eyes closed.

James couldn't move. He stood by the door, mesmerized by the sight of Kendall's wet and fully naked body; something he had dreamt of seeing ever since they had started dating but never had the chance to. The light seemed to make Kendall's skin glow more than usual as James' pants suddenly felt tighter and he regretted the fact he hadn't changed into his loose pajamas.

As luck would have it, Kendall decided to open his eyes in that very moment. He jolted in shock when he saw James standing there, rushing to turn to his side and cover his lower parts with his hands as his heart started to beat fast.

"James! What the fuck are you doing?" Kendall asked, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I, uh, I…" James shook his head and made an extreme effort to look at Kendall in his eyes rather than other parts that were getting his attention. "I'm s-sorry. I just noticed you've been in the shower for quite a long time and I wanted to check if you were alright."

"Well, I am. I'm just trying to relax after that long trip of ours. Now, do you mind?" Kendall asked motioning to the door.

James nodded and he did give a step back and considered getting out of the bathroom and obeying Kendall, but then he had an idea. He wanted answers, and he was going to get them. With a smile, he stepped back into the bathroom, closed the door and then sat down on the toilet, folding his arms.

Kendall watched his attitude with wide eyes and an open mouth. "James, what the fuck are you still doing here?"

James shrugged and raised an eyebrow. "You broke up with me and I respect that. However, I'm not leaving until you tell me why and explain everything. You owe me, Kendall." He said, looking at Kendall's eyes.

"I owe you nothing!" Kendall said, still trying to cover his intimate parts with his hands. "I broke up with you because I wanted to and because it was better for the both of us."

"Better? Better?!" James asked, appalled, as he stood up. "All I did on our way here was hold back my tears because I didn't want you to see how sad I was. All I did in the plane was cry because I didn't know what had happened. Heck, I cried before I fell asleep here because I miss you, Kendall. And I'll always miss you, but I respect that you wanted to break up with me. But the least you can do is: tell me what the hell happened and why you broke up with me!"

Kendall's mouth dropped in surprise as if he didn't expect those words from James or was about to say something, but he just sighed and turned around. "I told you not to ask me why, because I'm not telling you. Give up."

James grunted, but then his smile returned when he had an idea. "Okay. If you don't tell me, I'll enter that shower with you."

Kendall rolled his eyes and laughed. "Sure. Get out of here, James."

Next thing Kendall knew, James was taking a careful step into the shower cabin, closing the door behind himself. Kendall jerked away and hit his back against the wall.

"James!" Kendall exclaimed, blushing harder than ever when he took notice of James' naked body standing so close to his own. He tried to ignore the fact that both he and James were half hard already.

"I told you I was going to do it if you didn't tell me. You chose not to tell me, so here I am." James folded his arms over his toned chest and raised an eyebrow. "And none of us is leaving until you give me the answers I want." His smile faded as he looked down. "And after you do so, I promise I'll leave you alone. Just tell me."

Kendall shook his head and then turned around, both because he didn't want to face James and to hide his erection from him. He bit his lip and held back the tears that were fighting to leave his eyes. "James, please… I can't tell you, it's… Embarrassing."

"Uh, we're taking a shower together. You can tell me anything." James said, in a half-serious and half-mocking voice as he stepped closer to Kendall, but not it was close enough for them to touch. Kendall just shook his head and carried on his shower as if it was the most normal situation ever.

James looked at the back of Kendall's neck and then he watched as the water streamed down from Kendall's hair to his back, and then to his ass before finally watering his legs. The sight got him hypnotized for a while, but James soon snapped out of it. He was being serious when he said that none of them was leaving before he got the answers he wanted, but Kendall wasn't being cooperative as James thought he would.

James then smiled as an idea came to him. He leaned over closer to Kendall and put a hand on Kendall's shoulder, right on the spot that he used to touch when Kendall couldn't fall asleep at night. Kendall shivered at the unexpected touch, but before he could turn around to ask anything James started to knead his knuckles into Kendall's muscles.

Kendall gasped when he understood what James was doing; touching him on the spot he was sensitive. Before Kendall could help it, a noise slipped out of his mouth. And then the tension slipped out of his body just as fast. Kendall could feel his blush creep back onto his cheeks as warmth lighted inside of him. At first it felt like a tiny flame, but it grew until it felt like a raging fire and then consumed him entirely.

It was when Kendall turned around in the blink of an eye, his eyes meeting James' for less than a second before he held James by the shoulders and pulled him closer; pressing their lips together in a kiss.

James stilled in surprise at first, but as soon as his heart started to beat again he fell into it; slipping his tongue inside Kendall's mouth as he wrapped his arms around Kendall's waist and brought him closer until their chests touched. That was when their erections brushed against one another, and James moaned.

Kendall's eyes widened as he broke the kiss and immediately pushed James away from him. His face was a dark shade of red, and so was James'. James watched with a confused expression, but it got worse when Kendall pressed his back against the shower wall and hung his head and began to cry without any effort to disguise his tears.

James snapped out of it. He didn't know whether to approach Kendall or not, nor did he have any idea as to why Kendall was crying.

"I can't, James. I just can't." Kendall said in between his tears.

James shook his head in confusion. "Kendall?" He called. However, all Kendall did was cry more and more. "Ok, look, I'm sorry for everything I did that made you mad at me, but nothing is going to get any better unless you tell me what's happening."

Unlike the first times when he asked Kendall to talk to him, he wasn't being rude or teasing Kendall this time. James' voice was a serious tone and legit concern could be seen in his face.

Kendall lifted his head and stared into James's eyes, taking a deep breath before hanging his head again. "I can't give you what you want." Kendall cried. James' mind flew back to when they were in the place and Kendall had said those exact same words.

"Kendall, what are you talking about?" James felt desperate; for he had been thinking about that sentence ever since they were in the plane.

"James, I… I've never done that before." Kendall said, with his voice just loud enough to be heard with the sound of running water.

James raised an eyebrow. "Done what?"

Kendall blushed as he moved his eyes from side to side. "You know… _That_."

James' eyes widened as he gave a step back when realization hit him. "Oh… I, uh, I… You mean you've never done it with a boy, right? Because I understand you being scared or afraid and…"

"No, you don't understand." Kendall interrupted, shrinking in embarrassment. "I've never done it at all. I've never done anything like that with anyone."

"Wait, not even with Jo?"

"No. I've never, ever done anything like that. But I know…" Kendall bit his lip before looking to his feet and increasing his voice volume. "I know you have. And I knew you expected me to do it with you, but I… I can't. And I was afraid I'd disappoint you."

James' heart slowed down, his confused scowl becoming a small smile. He approached Kendall and put his hand on Kendall's chin, lifting Kendall's head so that they were looking eye to eye. "Hey, you're really pretty but so silly. You could never disappoint me for not… You know."

Kendall took a small breath as he looked into James' eyes, his shaky lips going up in a smile for a few seconds. "I… I just thought… It wouldn't be fair to keep you from doing something you want just because I'm too scared to do so." He shrugged. "It's better for both of us, I think."

"It's not. Because I love you, and I don't care if you're afraid; I'll wait for you. I'll wait till the end of my days if that's what you want. Because I can live without, you know, sex. But I can't live without you."

And without any kind of previous notice, James leaned forward and closed the gap there was between them with a kiss, causing Kendall's eyes to widen in shock. After a few seconds, his eyelids closed; but they opened again in surprise when James sucked Kendall's bottom lip into his mouth.

Kendall's whole body shivered when James broke the kiss and moved his head to Kendall's neck, sucking in the skin there as he brought Kendall's body closer. Feel their chests brush against each other made Kendall gasp, which made James' eyes widen as he pulled away and blushed.

"Sorry. I got a little carried away. Truth is you're too cute." James said with a grin as he poked Kendall's nose.

Kendall smiled and then exhaled softly as he looked into James' hazel eyes. It suddenly came to him that that naked, wet and slightly aroused guy in front of him wasn't just some random guy. It wasn't just someone he had met a few hours ago.

It was James Diamond; his boyfriend and best friend. It was the person whom he had known for more than half of his life. It was the one person in the world who knew Kendall better than he knew himself. It was the same James Diamond who once pushed Kendall to the couch and attacked him with tickles; and massaged Kendall's shoulder when he couldn't sleep at night.

And suddenly, he wasn't afraid anymore.

Kendall then looked into James' eyes and sighed, leaning forward and burying his head in the crook of James' neck. As he did so, he gave a quick look at James' body and then closed his eyes. "You… You can take me, if you want." He said, his voice being slightly muffed by James' skin and the water.

James' eyebrow shot straight up into his hair as his jaw dropped. He closed his mouth after a few seconds and kissed the side of Kendall's head, wrapping one arm around Kendall's waist. "You… You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I'm serious, I'm ok with…"

Kendall interrupted him by quickly pulling his head away from James' neck, giving a small step back. James instinctively tightened his grip on Kendall's waist, but Kendall didn't try to escape James' hold. Kendall gulped before looking at James' eyes again. "It's you. I want to. I swear."

"Geez, Kendall." James' cheeks got red. Kendall tilted his head, for James rarely blushed. He had always been the boldest of them. Usually, it was Kendall who did all the blushing. James' let Kendall's waist go and scratched the back of his neck. "We don't even condoms or lube or anything and…"

"I don't care." Kendall blushed as he looked down. "I mean, we don't have any STIs, and what are the chances of one of us getting pregnant?" He awkwardly giggled and looked aside. "I… I want you. If you want me."

"Of course I want you." James said, kissing Kendall's forehead. "Always have. But… It's going to hurt. I don't want to hurt you." James pressed his forehead against Kendall's; his eyes getting watery.

"I won't break or anything." Kendall chuckled, once again awkwardly. "You know me. It's either 'do or die', and well, I want to do it."

James smiled widely before cupping Kendall's cheeks and leaning forward to kiss him again; yet not as desperately as they did before. It was soft and slow, their lips merely brushing against each other. James gulped and broke the kiss, however his face still was so close to Kendall's that they were breathing each other's air.

"T-turn around, then…" James whispered against Kendall's lips.

Kendall shakily nodded before doing so and bracing himself against the shower wall, feeling the hot water going down his spines.

James looked at Kendall's back and laid a hand on his shoulder, feeling all of the bones there that protruded beneath his skin and drew it taut. He moved his hand down as he ran it across Kendall's back and stopped when he was about to touch Kendall's ass; gulping as he felt himself getting hard.

James was perfectly sculpted; his muscles were perfectly defined under his skin. When he wore a tight shirt, it was impossible not to notice all of his body's features. He was tanned and glorious; with the face of a Greek God. Kendall, on the other side, wasn't that special. He was just skinny, bonny, and white as snow.

And yet, James was aroused because of him.

"Seriously, you tell me if you want me to stop." James said, leaning his head forward and brushing his lips against Kendall's ear.

"Do I look that bad?" Kendall asked with a chuckle, his eyes never leaving the wall in front of him.

"You look a little freaked out, yes." James informed him.

"Just… Just go slowly." Kendall said, closing his eyes when his attention went to James' hand on his back.

"I will." James nodded and kissed the back of Kendall's neck.

Kendall's heart stopped beating when he felt James' fingers trace along his ass and he swallowed down the knot in his throat when he felt the tip of one touch to his entrance, the water falling between him and James making it a little easier than if they were completely dry.

It didn't hurt at all when James slipped the first finger in, yet Kendall couldn't help but let out a small gasp. James froze in place; ready to take his finger out if Kendall asked him to; but shortly after Kendall whined and wiggled against it. James relaxed and smiled as he pressed against Kendall's prostrate.

Kendall cried out, but then moaned in pleasure. When James worked another finger in, the fit was tighter and Kendall gulped; but it wasn't exactly bad either. After a few minutes, Kendall adjusted and instinctively nodded, letting James know he was alright.

Once the third finger was in, it started to hurt. James paused again and waited for Kendall to tell him to stop. However, Kendall didn't want it to stop. It did sting, but he didn't want it to end. Unable to speak, Kendall softly moved his body against James' fingers; and James took the hint.

James placed several kisses on the back of Kendall's neck, biting it softly. "Are you ready for me?" He breathed.

Kendall hung his head in between his shoulder blades, trying to disguise the tears that had escaped his eyes because of both pain and emotion from James. As he did so, he nodded.

Kendall gasped again when he felt James' hard member brush against him, closing his eyes and biting his lip when James' hips started to move forward.

Remembering that Kendall had asked him to go slowly, James slid inch by agonizing inch until he was all the way inside Kendall. James stayed still for a long time, waiting for Kendall to show some kind of reaction. Kendall felt it burning like hell and he didn't know why he wanted more if it was hurting, but he did.

Kendall leaned back against James' chest, trying to feel his heat. He let his head fall back on James' shoulder and took a deep breath as James nibbled on his ear. Kendall turned his head to the side and his lips met James'.

"Alright…" Kendall said as he straightened up and looked to the floor again. "You can go now."

James withdrew only a little and started moving in shallow, rolling thrusts. He placed both his hands on Kendall's waist to keep him in place. Kendall's mewls and moans filled he shower cabin and suddenly, James started to go faster and harder without asking permission.

However, it didn't hurt as much anymore and Kendall started to press his body against James', following every thrust. Although Kendall was focused on his own pain and pleasure, he couldn't help but smile when he heard he beautiful noises James made when his hips rolled.

James cursed under his breath when he dissolved into pleasure with a final thrust, his body freezing in place as his vision fading to black for a few seconds. His heart started to pound inside his chest, but it slowed down as he kissed Kendall's neck again.

"I love you." James whispered as he wrapped his arms around Kendall. "I know I've never said that and sometimes I avoided talking to you about how I feel. But I love you, Kendall Knight, and you better know it. I love you."

Even with the water falling between them, Kendall could feel and hear James' tears on his shoulders. He hung his head and sighed.

"Let me go." He demanded.

"Never." James said as he tightened the grip on Kendall, crying a bit more. "I'll never let you go again. Last time I did you broke up with me. I'll never, ever let you go again." He said as he pressed his forehead against the back of Kendall's head and inhaled sharply.

"James, let me go." Kendall demanded again. James slowly let his arms fall to the side of his body until he was no longer holding Kendall. Kendall nodded and turned around, hissing in pain as he felt James' slid out of him. He looked up into James' eyes with his own watery ones; and James' mouth opened as if he was about to say something.

However, before James could word anything, Kendall tip toed and wrapped his arms around James' neck, pressing his lips against James' with such impetus that they almost fell over. When James recovered from the surprise, Kendall pulled away.

"I love you too, you big dumbass!" He smiled.

James smiled as well and kissed Kendall's eyes, leaning forward when he did so. However, he felt something brush up against his belly and pulled away from Kendall, looking down.

"Ah, man." James rolled his eyes. "I didn't make you come, did I? Fuck." He cursed under his breath when his eyes fell upon Kendall's cock that was still hard and flushed, pressed against his abdomen and leading a bead of precome at the tip.

"I, uh, I… It's ok, I… It'll go down…" Kendall said, his cheeks turning red as he avoided looking down.

James grinned and placed a finger on Kendall's lips as he licked his own. "I need to give something in return now, don't I?"

Kendall blushed even harder when James sank to his knees. They were making eye contact until James leaned down and licked a strip up the shaft, which made Kendall moan and look up in embarrassment and excitation as he squirmed.

James smiled and took the head of Kendall's erection into his mouth, sucking softly. He held Kendall's hips and started to suck him in just a little bit more. Kendall cried out before tangling his fingers in James' long hair, unwittingly pushing James' head against him. James waited until Kendall's grip on his hair loosened and started to move his head on Kendall's length; causing him to moan and pant with every move.

It was easy enough until Kendall thrust forward when he came and surprised James, causing him to gag as he let Kendall go; wiped his mouth and swallowed the rest.

"Sorry." Kendall said as he looked down and James got up off his knees.

James laughed before kissing Kendall again. Kendall wrinkled his nose and pulled away with a grin. "You taste like my come."

"You don't say." James laughed as they kissed again. When they pulled away a second time, they pressed their foreheads against each other and felt the water run down their bodies; so relaxing that it was almost like it could wash away all of their worries and sadness.

"I love you." Kendall whispered, opening his eyes. "I always have."

"I love you. I never stopped, and always will." James said almost at the same time, softly nibbling on Kendall's lower lip. Kendall smiled and took a deep breath, letting James hug him as James turned the shower off and kissed Kendall's forehead.

Once the water had stopped running, James swept Kendall off of his feet and exited the bathroom. Kendall laughed at James' attitude and nuzzled James' neck. James let Kendall go once they were in the room and they both go dressed quickly before going to bed and lying side by side.

They stared into each other's eyes and James ran his finger across Kendall's cheek, proceeding to loop his arms around Kendall's neck and bring him closer; kissing his cheek again and softly massaging the back of his neck on the right spot, which made Kendall moan and James smile.

"Can I- Can we do that again?" James asked with his brown eyes filled with hope.

"Sure." Kendall said, taking a deep breath. His smile faded as he made a serious expression. "But we can wait until my back stops aching, right?"

James laughed and kissed Kendall again, licking his own lips as he put his mouth near Kendall's ear. "Perhaps next time… You can be inside of me instead." He whispered.

"Really?" Kendall asked, feeling his cheeks go red but also smiling at the thought.

"Yeah. I'd really like that." James pulled away and raised an eyebrow as he looked to Kendall's eyes. "But you're not doing that dry. I'm not as brave as you, you know."

"Deal." Kendall laughed and took a deep breath, closing his eyes and returning James' embrace. "I love you."

James closed his eyes as well and rubbed his head on the pillow, caressing Kendall's hair. "I love you too."

"Happy anniversary." Kendall said as he reached for the blanket and covered him and James, falling asleep almost instantaneity.

"To you too, Kendall."

And after that; they fell asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

It was never a secret to anyone that Kendall and James were dating; but sometimes they seemed to be too shy to act like boyfriends around people.

However, after that night, everybody felt like the two of them were different, somehow. They seemed to be more mature yet more loving toward each other; not to mention Kendall hardly blushed anymore, something he oftenly used to do when he was asked about his relationship – as if all of his fears and worries had been taken away from him.

Yet Kendall did blush whenever someone asked him why he was sitting in such awkward positions. James, on the other side, just smiled.

* * *

 **I'm sorry. For so many reasons.**

 **Well it's 12am now oops. I'm going to bed after this.**

 **Thanks for reading! I hope it wasn't terrible.**

 **See yah next fic!**


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